Johnny Dearest
by sweet-n-sassy928
Summary: Set in the future, Pyro is entrusted by Mr. and Mrs. LeBeau to babysit their children.  Lots of Pyro craziness and minor ROMY.  One shot.


**A/N: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Duh.**

**Normally, I am not a ginormous fan of one-shots, but I was feeling inspired and well, I couldn't resist! If I was going to write one, it would have to be this one! Enjoy!**

"Absolutely not." Rogue shook her head. "No, no, and no."

"Come on Chere! Remy made dese reservations weeks ago." He slid her a pretty-please smile that made her falter- but only for a moment.

"Do you not remember what happened when we left him in charge of the plants?" Rogue narrowed her eyes in a there-will-be-no-dissuading-me fashion. Remy chuckled at the memory of the scorched ficus in the charred pot, with the water spilling out of the sides.

Rogue pulled her three year old daughter, Ruby, closer to her. Their four year old, James, stacked blocks in a corner quietly.

"Now Mrs. LeBeau," Remy cooed, "You honestly think that Remy would put his own daughter," he scooped up the little girl "Da apple of his eye," he rubbed his nose against hers "In danger? Non. Gambit is wounded!" He slapped his hand to his heart. Ruby giggled at her father's maudlin display. "Besides, she's got her strapping young brother to look after her." He rubbed James' head, messing up his hair. The little boy grinned up at his dad.

Rogue continued to scowl- she hated being the bad guy.

"You got Remy's word they will be okay." He smiled, with that stupid dashing grin that had won her over in the first place.

"Fahn." She said. Remy put her hand to his lips and kissed it.

"Are we going to see Uncle Johnny?" Ruby asked with a bright smile.

"Yes Roo. You're going to see Uncle Johnny."

_**Enter: The Pyromaniac**_

"We should be back by twelve mon ami. You sure you can handle it?" Remy said, resting a can of Spaghetti-Oh's on John's smoke stained white counter. Rogue rolled her eyes; of all the days for Kitty to be sick, Storm to be out of town, and Jean to be in labor.

"Of course mate! Johnny loves the kiddies." He gave a toothy grin like he just got off the funny farm. Rogue shot Gambit the let's-get-going-before-Ah-change-mah-mind look; and with a tip of Remy's imaginary hat, the pair was gone.

"So…" John rubbed his hands together "What do you two sprouts like to do for fun aye?"

_**Six Minutes Later**_

Ruby wailed at the sight of her half melted Barbie, James crawled up a musky green curtain to avoid being singed, and the pot of Spaghetti- Oh's on the stove had bubbled over in a hot mess on the slate linoleum floor.

"Now kiddies- let's try to calm down." John squeezed the end of the fire extinguisher in a burst of white smoke (he did not have the will to put out such a lovely fire by himself). _Maybe Pyro-Ken was not the best idea…_

"Why don't we play a game?" He suggested. The tears still came in fat watery swells. "You like poker mate? Your daddy's one heck of a player."

Her emerald and ebony eyes grew wider and her tiny pink lower lip trembled- for a moment the crying stopped. "I miss my daddy!" She cried, then the sobs really started.

"Don't cry Roo, Uncle Pyro can fix it." He stood up and searched frantically, plucking James off the curtain, and plopping him down next to his sister. "Um, uh," Then he looked to the kitchen. _Spaghetti- Oh's ruined… I know! _He snapped his fingers. "How about some sweets mate? That always cheers ole Johnny up!"

_**An hour and a half hour later**_

What had he done?

From the moment they pushed those first Little Debbie Swiss Rolls into their tiny little mouths there had been no stopping them. Their consumption had ended nearly an hour ago and they still had not calmed down.

Now, amongst the Nutter Butter and Snickers wrappers, Half Baked and Mint Chocolate Chunk ice-cream cartons, Krispy Kreme and Cosmic Brownie boxes, the children went wild. The binge redefined the term "_sugar rush_". _Where did they put it all? It's like they just kept eating, and eating, and eating O.o _

James hung from the light fixture, laughing so manically it almost made John feel sane. _John_. His crimson iris was so wide; John almost couldn't see the white portion.

"I like unicorns. I wanna be Barbie. I want to be a princess. I want to be a Barbie Princess with a unicorn!" She shrieked with laughter. The toddler bounced around the living room in a tight circle, playing a DVD labeled "_Death of Magneto_" (you know the clip Jonh watched in _Cajun Spice_) on a loop, pausing occasionally to jump on the green and red plaid couch. The curls in her auburn hair bounced, the reddish brown mixing with her white highlights .

John gasped as James dropped down from the ceiling. The quiet little boy had become quite the riot under the influence. His brown hair flipped in wild spatters.

"Let's go again! Let's go again!" The tan little boy chanted.

"Let's not!" John said, wrangling him by the arm.

"And fairies!" Ruby squeaked "A fairy Barbie princess with a unicorn!"

"That's woooonderful Roo," He drawled, throwing her over his shoulder sack of potatoes style as she blabbered on.

"On top of Spaghetti! All covered in cheese!" James sang at the top of his lungs.

"Uncle Johnny! Make James shut up!"

"We don't say shut up Ruby," Pyro said in his "calm" voice. (I know, you're asking "Does John _have_ a calm voice?" if he did, he would use it now.)

"You can't tell me what to do! You're not my daddy!" She screamed, her pale face turning bright red. "I want my daddy!"

"I miss momma!" James started crying. They both sobbed-

Until John laid them down on the guest bed and the two children went into a sugar crash/coma.

He rubbed his face; the living room was in shambles, the kitchen, nearly destroyed (not that the kitchen was a big deal, it had nearly been destroyed _several_ times.)

"What did I get myself into?" He whispered aloud.

_**Later**_

_Almost home free mate, almost home free_, Pyro thought as the kiddies awoke from their napping. The living room was still pretty torn up- with Kool-Aid still splattered on the floor, burn spots on the curtain, and toilet paper decorating the television.

He looked at the clock- 11:30. The nap had been ill planned- now, they were not tired enough to be asleep at the appropriate bed time.

"Alright Jim, alright Roo, what do you say we play a nice, quiet game of cards?" He said, looking around the disastrous room. James grinned- he'd been waiting his whole life for someone to teach him the wondrous game.

"I do not want to play cards." Ruby said with a heartbreaking frown.

"Then what would you like to do?" John kneeled to her level.

"I want to play dress up." She whispered, placing her tiny pale hand in her pink mouth.

"Tell you what Roo, we're going to make what the grown- ups call a _compromise._"

_**12:15**_

"There aren't any _lights_ on Remy." Rogue's voice sizzled.

"It's fine chèrie! They are probably just sleeping!" He inspected her scowl in the dark. "Come on Rogue, you know you enjoyed our night alone," He drew her toward him and kissed her temple. She smiled lightly.

"Fahn," Rogue conceded "But if a single hair on either of their heads is even remotely singed, you will be sorry Remy Etienne LeBeau."

"I know, I know." He said, turning the brassy door knob. His brow kneaded together.

They most certainly were not sleeping.

They were playing poker.

And John was wearing a crown and puffy jester pants.

"I'll raise you two Oreos." Ruby said, sliding the cookies to the center of the table. A silver tiara decorated her curly auburn locks.

The only light on shown directly on the table. The rest of the home was pitch black.

"Three Skittles," James said, sliding the fun-size red packages forward with a tin foil sword.

"Oh, aye there Remy, Rogue." John nodded when he looked up. "We're just having a peaceful game of poker. You know your little Sheila inherited your genes." He chuckled nervously "She's got me in the hole four Coconut Dreams." Really, where did he get all this junk food?

"Daddy!" Ruby screamed, running up from the table into her father's arms.

"Mom!" James yelled, hugging his mother's legs.

Rogue chuckled. "Ah'll admit John, Ah'm impressed." She smoothed her hair, "Seems like you did a great job with them."

"Thanks mon ami," Remy stroked his daughter's hair, "Remy owes you big time."

John scoffed. He flipped his wrist "Them? They were no trouble at all."

"Well," Rogue smiled "Maybe we'll do it again sometime."

"Sure, sure!"

Alone, Pyro turned on the lights.

Total. Destruction.

_Well, at least I won't have to call the fire insurance company again._

**A/N: Well, I hope you guys liked it! Ever since I unleashed my John love in my other story **_**Wolverine Scouts**_** (yes, that was totally a plug. If you haven't read it, you should look it up=)) I can't contain it. I might write a sequel, so let me know if you liked it (hint hint- please review!)**

**Xoxo- sns S2**


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